It appears very exciting to
consider yourself as great. People consult, sub-ordinates seek guidance,
juniors pay respect, and members of the staff obey. You become part of the
policy making body. How rosy it looks! But all these manifestations are
attributes of the power you enjoy which is essentially co-terminus with your
tenure. Very often than not one tends to forget a basic reality; the position
one holds in his official capacity is not permanent but the qualities developed
if any (worth emulating) are. Then the question comes – did I cultivate any
quality which deserved notice? At leisure I take a dig at myself and repeat the
question over and over again. I always get an impassioned answer-an emphatic
‘no’. Did I spend all my life creating a superficial halo which ended up in a
smoke leaving nothing? I don’t admit pessimism and like all apologists consoled
me-‘look man, you never imagined life was too short and consequently you forgot
to draw up a road map for meaningful life. Besides didn't you guide some, love
many and in the process didn't you get back a little bit of you in their unstinting affection’? Having satisfied with the reasoning I felt like having a
self-pat in my back that blossomed in to a full smile. I was sure no one was
looking from behind.
Sometimes I wonder if a little
introspection could not add meaning to one’s existence! It may be embarrassing
to own up the follies we commit in the past, but we cannot possibly justify the
unjustifiable! What is the strength behind such arrogance? Is it really the
ego? Or is it because to own up a mistake appears to be a super-human bravery! Whatever
may be the reason I feel a bit matured and strong with some amount of self-talk
in solitude. While I was having a similar session recently my wife probably
overheard and teased-‘hey, you have started talking to yourself like old people’.
I didn't correct her by saying –‘it is only the youth in me that talks’ because
of the foreboding that she would again suspect another rendezvous with yet another
imaginary lass the moment she got hints of the youth revisiting. I have told
her on numerous occasions that the characters in my stories are purely
imaginary without any resemblance to any person -past or present. But she would
not listen to it.
My last blog got different
reactions. My cousin commented the other day-‘do you really believe in wife
management’? The friend of my brother-in-law who stays in Indonesia thought the
idea to be hilarious and had a hearty laugh. But I am scared to join issues
with my cousin because like all women she thought a wife belongs to a delicate
category ‘who has been more sinned against than sinning’. In the traditional
pattern the husband is the fallen guy and I know where the sympathy flows. Under
the circumstances I must bow out from management and concentrate on appeasement
instead. That would certainly win hearts not wrath.
Summer
continues to be harsh with mercury spiraling over forty degree Celsius but the
evenings are delightedly pleasant. This is the peculiarity of this city. In our
student days the city was much greener. Cool breeze used to flow as early as
four pm in the afternoon but with the passage of time the construction of a
concrete jungle has come in to the fore and completely changed the complexion
of the city. In the modified scenario nature also plays a trick or two. Our
childhood days in the village were different. My cousins used to drop in during
summer to spend their annual vacation in our place. In those days our village
was a reasonable summer resort because of the forest cover all around. Playing
cards was an amusing past time and we really enjoy our summer. During those
days, I don’t remember a harsh summer ever.Borrowing the idea from the Upanishads I often wish,
'From the unreal lead me to the real!
From darkness lead me to light!'
But is it easy? It is often said that human beings are more mysterious than mystery itself. All our efforts to interpret life and existence take a circuitous route to end up where it began. The famous physicist Niels Bohr once said, "We are both spectators and actors in the great drama of existence". If that be the case, let us play our designated role to the end and wait for the curtains to fall.
