Juvenescence

Juvenescence

  I always feel that life becomes meaningful if you are sincere in instilling meaning to your existence. It is not the other way round. There are moments when one feels distressed, defeated and deserted but life almost brings back in a different way what you have lost. It is a wonderful mixture of opposites- giving pleasure and pain in rotation.

Soon after completing my Post Graduation, I was preparing for different competitive examinations. In the English essay paper of one of the Competitive examinations, there was a question,’ Your College Career’. I thought it to be a wonderful opportunity to pour my heart out. Who knows, no such occasion may ever come to me to write my autobiography in an answer paper. I got really inspired and like all inspired idiots I went out to write my biography honestly.

The out-poured verbosity, as far as I remember, was a lengthy justification of my misadventure in academics. I went on to describe it as youthful exuberance because squandering of time and energy in meaningless pursuits appeared to be just at that point of time. A young man should have an independent mind of his own and should be allowed freedom to commit minor mistakes till he realizes the difference between good and evil. I wrote about my literary activities at the expense of my studies which brought laurels in recognition of my efforts. While concluding I categorically stated that I had no regrets for my experiments with youth. In short, I glorified my youth and extensively quoted many incidents from the autobiography “All my Sins” of Hans Habe to substantiate my arguments. Surprisingly the examiner was impressed and awarded more than eighty percent. In retrospect, I feel, it is like justifying the unjustifiable. How funny! But then I remember the poem of A.E.Housman                                           

“But I was one-and-twenty,

 No use to talk to me” 

In spite of the academic misfortune in the initial years, I was able to express myself in more vibrant and meaningful manner. Life compensates what it takes away.

It is a fact that most of us like to justify our action-whether right or wrong. It becomes very difficult and embarrassing to back track the statement already made. I remember a joke. A lady was celebrating her twenty-fifth birthday. Her neighbour, who had gone on a foreign assignment for four years incidentally returned the same day and was promptly invited. On reaching the venue he asked the lady in amazement, “Madam, you had your twenty-fifth celebration four years back”. The lady gravely replied ‘celebrities never switch words’.

Recently, in my regular morning errands I came across a group of engineering students enjoying late morning tea with cigarettes. What they discussed among themselves was simply rubbish and they cared a fig for their uttering.  They stay in a nearby building. The roof top is decorated with four to five DTH antennae and filled with empty alcohol bottles. What sort of life they lead? They could have been, very well my children, had I been living in another state. I feel very sad simply because it is not the celebration of youth but rather abuse of innocence that disturbs, destroys and devastates the juvenescence. There must be collective concern for the youth. We must find a solution to it. Life becomes meaningful in enjoying it in the right spirit. Glorify the youth but condemn the ugly.

Trust

Trust

In the Commercial Tax organization, heading a territorial range is a huge responsibility. In my service career incidentally, I was responsible for three territorial ranges on different occasions, apart from one Intelligence range. The Range is a team work. You swim or sink together. Fortunately, on all occasions I had efficient and dedicated Officers. Although I draw up the strategy for resource mobilization and grey area surveillance, yet the planning was always open to suggestions. The officers carry out my instructions in letter and spirit. I remember I had engaged officers, including lady officers on round the week mobile operation and they carried out the operation meticulously-even on Sundays. That resulted in substantial generation of additional tax revenue.

It is the trust that worked.

Consequently, we were not in a position to enjoy weekends because the telephone never ceased ringing which upsets my wife. She very often sarcastically comments,’ I did not know, you have an office at home with a slave who cooks, feeds and attends twenty four seven’. On such occasions I offer the sweetest smile indicating abject surrender to the home ministry. She understands my trick and disapproves the cheating with the traditional twisting of lips as only a woman can do.

In my last posting in the commercial tax wing I was entrusted with the tax administration of the prime range of the state. The head of the department very often visits this range because of its importance. On one occasion he felt dissatisfied with the performance of the junior most field level officers and started dictating show cause notices for suspension. I politely interrupted him by saying,’ Sir, in stead of taking action against them, kindly initiate proceeding to suspend me. I am the team leader. If there is any lapse I own it as my own’. He did not agree but I persuaded. Finally he conceded to drop the idea but with a rider for substantial improvement of the position. Surprisingly, during the review meeting by the Minister, he did not allow me to speak but started praising our efforts and performance.

It is again that trust that won.

I always try to lend my helping hand whenever my colleagues needed the most and they trust me in return. It builds up a beautiful chemistry that ensures devotion to work. But this emotional attachment is painful when I leave.

I believe life moves on and on because of this trust. In the childhood, the children trusted their parents as their teachers. In the formative years our parents trusted us which prevents us from going astray. In the adult years it is the mutual trust that runs the family. We have to trust someone or something to drive us forward.

I remember the poem "I grow old ... I grow old

                                      I shall wear the bottom of my trouser rolled"

Although so far I have not  measured out my life with a coffee spoon, yet I believe in my old age I have to trust the veritable dynamite that I call wife. Would she trust me in return?

Loneliness

Loneliness

I was fortunate to work under many honest, efficient and able bureaucrats. They used to be visionary, meticulous and ensure proper implementation of the programmes. During the fag end of my service career I worked under a Principal Secretary, who was not only dynamic and efficient but also a hard task master. The one quality that outshines all other qualities was his compassion for humanity. I am yet to find an administrator who is more humane, more considerate yet so strict.

One day he rang me up and said, “How about starting a Computer training programme for senior citizens?”  “I could not get you Sir.” I replied. He explained, “We have thousands and thousands of pensioners. In Bhubaneswar alone you will be finding multiples of thousand. Have you ever tried to understand their problem? Imagine the unmitigated loneliness they suffer and how silent they have become in their sadness. If they could communicate, chat and see their children or could use Skype to converse- how easy it would be for them to find a new meaning to their existence. They could also use internet banking, e-payment of utility bills and a lot.” I was dumb for a few seconds. “We will do it Sir”, I replied in a choked voice. “How many days you will be taking to design the module?” “Sir, I will have to consult the computer faculty but I am sure it can be ready within two weeks.” He agreed.

 We designed the module, well below schedule, within a week. The Principal Secretary was delighted. He advised me to provide the logistics so that it would be easier for the pensioners to participate. That is how the Computer Training for senior pensioners took its shape. I was told, such a programme was first of its kind in India. I do not understand much of statistics but what moved me deeply was the compassion of an administrator and his sincerity in mitigating a human problem which we always experience but conveniently ignore.

While designing the module I remembered the experience of one of my closest friends in managing his aged mother. His mother, in her late seventies, has been confined to the wheel chair for about five years. To add to it she has turned deaf a couple of years back. She had been frantically craving for uninterrupted human company ever since she became immobile. She needed a person to talk to. The maid had a horrid time, in absence of suitable company, because she had to face the volley of questions. My friend stays at Bhubaneswar. Whenever he visits her she asks about the Bohu Ma (Daughter in Law) and her intended visit to her place. My friend shows two fingers indicating within two days. She rebukes him by saying, “You are a liar. You had promised the same thing last time too”.  My friend, who is a jewel of a son, tries to give her as much company as possible but he has various other compulsions too. Had she been a computer literate, as we intend to turn the elderly persons in our computer training, those agonizing moments of loneliness could have been addressed to.

The Computer Training programme was a huge success. The participants, ranging from age- sixty-five to eighty- were ecstatic about their new-found skill in communicating. The childlike joy, in their faces, was worth watching. New expectations were visible in their eyes. They profusely thanked us for the initiative and implored us to extend the training programme to five days in stead of three days

There was television coverage of this programme in shape of news clip and I was asked to explain the reason for initiating such a programme. I told them that we are concerned about the emotional isolation of senior citizens. Most of us feel helpless in our old age. The senior citizens knew nothing to fall back on to extricate them from this impasse. Now they have technology to support, to communicate and to declare to the world that they exist, that too with dignity. They are no longer isolated nor do they feel lonely. That precisely answers what the programme is.

I do not know what will happen twenty years down the line. Would I be helpless? Would I be left alone?

Himanshu's musings: Separation

Himanshu's musings: Separation: Recently I had to say 'Good Bye' to my assignment, as I had reached that magical figure that warrants superannuation. In a way, I knew it w...

Retirement

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                                                           Retirement

‘What are your plans after retirement?’, many persons asked me on many occasions. My answer was short and simple, ‘I would relax and possibly write’. Write what? They were all confused and perplexed. It is so natural. They have not seen me writing for the last thirty years. Some of my friends and family members, however, who had read my writings many years back, were happy. The prodigal has returned at last they thought, but I was not so sure. It is the habit of writing which became a casualty because of my negligence. Could I possibly revive it?

The first couple of weeks had been so hectic in organizing my personal things that I forgot to think anything else. Apart from my personal chores, I had been consistently negligent in domestic front. I was habitually dependent on my personal staff so much so that filling up of simple deposit forms of the Bank looked Latin to me. Now I realized the charm of ‘Banaprastha’ as was practiced in the olden days. It is beautifully alluring to leave your worries to the flames and retire to the forest. How attractive! But do you get permission for forest dwelling? You would run pillar and post to get audience, let alone authorization. Officials would hound you out and you are back at square one. So Man! Do not run away from responsibilities. While working in government, no one pulled you up for frailty, why now? I pulled up my socks and was ready for action.

I had promised my wife that we would have regular evening walk once I retired. She had been patient for six weeks but nothing happened. Out of exasperation, she asked yesterday, ‘Did you really retire’? I understood the cleverly hidden punch and ducked by saying ‘Tomorrow we walk honey’.

Walking we did indeed. It was a long walk for about an hour. We chose a quiet route. The refreshing cool air with the setting sun was amazing. She thoroughly enjoyed the walk. I feel guilty and always repent that I could not give her quality time during our youth. I never forgive myself for such cardinal sin. During my interaction with young officers I make it a point to remind them that efficient and upright officers should find quality time with their family especially during young age. Life is so short that no regret would be good enough to compensate such lapse. Having fulfilled the first promise I have been rather comfortable with a little immunity from further assault. In case she queries about my writing I shall have to raise my hands and surrender.

simplesite

Separation

Recently I had to say 'Good Bye' to my assignment, as I had reached that magical figure that warrants superannuation. In a way, I knew it was coming and I had no regrets that it came. What touched me deeply at the last moment was the emotions of my colleagues; who demonstrated that most of them had genuine affection for me. I am yet to come across a person who does not love to be loved. As an administrator, I had been harsh to many to keep the decorum and sanctity of the institution I headed. True, sometimes I behaved like a dictator, but to what end ? I was surprised that they understood my sentiments and sincerity. They also accepted my rudeness. It touched a tender chord. I wondered if I had not loved them as much.

In the Farewell session, my friend,who took over charge, presided. He recounted our past association and like all good friends heaped showers of praise which probably I did not deserve. Then came the time for the parting words of the person who would never set his foot in future to address the colleagues of the institution as his own. No emotions Man, I silently chided myself, 

In my concluding address I thanked my colleagues for tolerating me to long. I said, "I had to do precisely those works which my duty ordained, of course in my own way, for which I have no regrets.I do not want to be remembered as a saline memento but rather as a silent obscurity"

I noticed that some of my colleagues had emotional faces to hide but I do not know whether I had tears in my words.

Parting is always painful. We feel nostalgic and harp on old chord time and again expecting past events to re-enact.It never happens. But then nobody denies you to remember the past, bask in its glory to propel you forward. .

December Blues

Of  late I have been enjoying my new found freedom and get occasionally delighted that I do not have to be accountable to anyone except my conscience.This new freedom brought with it the subdued creativity in me. Probably I was a bit imaginative in my young days and that perhaps created problems when I started to think loudly. I had to curb that habit although it mattered little because my pronouncements remained as sharp as usual with a coating of  tongue in cheek which did not hurt ears.Still people maintained a safe distance considering me dangerous, except my close friends and that suited me nicely.

Now coming back to creativity, I was perhaps a bit emotional that persuaded the readers/listeners to  emote. My close friends,to my good luck,were good writers and thinkers. Routinely, we read/show our writings in the next assemblage. It so happened that my writings assumed centre stage and gradually I got the notoriety of being a writer. That is how I graduated in to writing only to be faded in the aftermath of my employment. How it happened is another story.

Thank God, after a long intermission I have been back at my own track which I loved,enjoyed and perhaps wanted to be blissfully drowned only to breathe a fresh lease of life. 

Literary Fest

   The other day I had been to the Literary Fest with one of my closest friends to be a part of the exhilaration that literature can create. The animated inauguration was  fantastic followed by a thrilling inaugural speech that inspired, enthralled and captivated the audience. I began remembering  my young days of literary activities which probably I have lost  mid way in my quest for existential exigencies. The magical glow at my friend's   look confirmed that we were in the same wave length.I remember, we were a group of friends discussing poetry,short story,music and many other  things during our routine assemblage in any of our hostel rooms. The atmosphere becomes so electrifying with our animated discussions that many onlookers loved to see us together so that they can steal a leaf out of our arguments to utilize in future.

   How I missed these cherished activities,all these years is still a mystery. Perhaps .I need to rediscover myself !